Job Number One

Photo by Kristi Bacon (friends for 23 years!)

When I was in college, I fancied myself tough. An athlete on the rowing team, I was the most fit I have ever been in my life, and I wasn't afraid of anyone. I would go out to concerts with my best friend and we would inevitably be squished into the crowd as if we were inside an overstuffed sardine tin. Someone would invariably have their hands where they didn't belong, and I would turn around, shake my fist in their face and say, "Get the [BLEEP] away from me."

Once, I was at a fraternity party and standing around, minding my own business when I felt a sharp pain on my backside. I whirled around, saw it was a man, and slapped him across the face reflexively. The room burst into applause and cheers. The story went that he was a freshman rugby player and he was dared to bite me on the posterior. He never tried that again.

My bravado became overconfidence, and I later took a job bartending at a tiny place in Cincinnati; I locked up by myself at 2 AM and delivered the cash drop to the bank after my shifts. By myself. At 2 AM. My poor mother - I don't know how she managed to stay sane. Even so, I tended bar all summer, and the scariest thing that happened to me was when one middle-aged man, a friend of the owner's father, offered me $100 to sleep with him. It makes me gag just thinking about it.

As the years went on, I learned that some men were going to behave badly toward women. At one company, I was urged to "take one for the team" when a client fancied me. Never mind that I was living with my longtime boyfriend. At another, a colleague told me that I wouldn't generate so much harassment if I didn't dress so trendy. Later, a VP would regularly proposition me in front of other executives, and no one said a thing.

I learned that my opinion didn't matter on such things. I fell silent about it. I became used to it.

When people question a woman's motives when she comes out of hiding after 20 years to point out someone who assaulted her, I give her the benefit of the doubt. Anyone who hasn't been harassed or assaulted doesn't know how it feels to realize that it's your word against his. And if you do speak up, you risk losing everything in a he said-she said battle that is most likely to go nowhere and help you least of all. If she is speaking up, she understands the risks and believes it's worth it to bring justice.

A friend asked me today what it would take for women to be treated as equals.

It's going to take time, I told her. Generations, maybe.

In the meantime, I'm going to teach my son how to be a good man. A kind man. A gentleman. There are a lot of good men in the world - I was fathered by one, I married another, and together, we had a little boy who will take after the men in his family.

No matter what is going on all around us, it's my job to raise a good human being. You and I and everyone we know who believes in kindness and love has to keep believing. It's the most important job we have as citizens - to help make our community better, not only for ourselves, but for everyone.

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Stay tuned - I filmed a video today for a very special project I hope will be released soon! And a new and fun byline will be published next week.

Love, Kristin