Heart-squeezing words

This morning, I wake before my son and study his porcelain face by the half-light of the morning sun peeking in through the blinds.  His long lashes dust the tops of his cheeks, his small nose flares as he breathes, and his bow-shaped mouth is slightly open.  He is talking in his sleep and I try to figure out what he is saying.

When he opens his eyes, he says the words that squeeze my heart:

"Rebecca not coming today.  Just mama, daddy, 'n' me."

I would rather be with you than any place in the world, sweet boy.

Rebecca is our nanny, and our son loves her.  I hear them laughing every day downstairs from my office.  She is patient, and sweet, with plenty of young energy to spare; I know she takes excellent care of him because I am within earshot most of the time.   It's an incredible blessing to be able to have a nanny in our home, although it's a stretch for us and costs roughly 40% more than day care, it's the arrangement that makes it easier for me, and we give up other luxuries for this privilege. 

For all of that, he loves my husband and me best of all, which is, honestly, comforting when you have to hand your child over to a non-family member every day.  I know I have the best of both worlds, and still I sometimes struggle to appreciate it: I work to pay the bills and carry our medical insurance, but I get to work from home, just steps away from our son.  

Every day, he asks if I will be the one to play with him.  On Saturdays and Sundays, I can't wait for him to ask me the question so I can answer "yes". 

So I smooth the hair sweeping over his forehead and I say, "Honey, Rebecca is coming today because Mama and Daddy have to work.  But you'll have fun and play, and you'll go to Gorgeous Millie and have snacks and sing with Mr. Will.  And Mama will play with you as soon as I can.  I would rather be with you than anywhere in the world, OK?"

"OK," he says resignedly.  As resignedly as a three-year-old can be.

Later in the day, I come down for a glass of water and he is sitting on the couch, reading with Rebecca. 

"Come play with me, Mama?" he says.

"In a little while, baby.  I'll be finished soon."

As soon as my work is finished for the day, I will take a breath and disengage from spreadsheets, and marketing campaigns, and trade show planning.  I'll shift gears and put my phone down and turn off my laptop.  I will be ready for baseball, and matchbox cars, and puzzles.

I can't wait to give him my time.  It's time to play.

Love,