This is Where it Stops

I struggle to write this post because I'm going to have to admit some things I don't want to admit.  And that I feel things I have tried to bury and silence. 

I spent ten years in a relationship that was progressively toxic.  Unhealthy.  Self-esteem defeating. 

He is engaged to a woman who is a doctor.  This much I know because my ex-mother-in-law told me a couple of years ago, when I didn't ask.  I never asked and I never wanted to know.  I adore her, even though she forgets why I'm divorced from her stepson; or blocks it out.   I don't know why I looked up his Facebook page.  I don't know why I looked at his photos.

Scratch that... I do know why.

I want to see evidence that I'm not crazy.  That I'm not the only one he treated like dirt.  That it wasn't just me.

I want to see regret on his face.  Guilt.  Reflection.

I want to know if he is treating her the same way that he treated me, even though I pray he is not.  She looks like a nice woman in the photos, and her kids look very sweet.

And if not, then I want to know what I did to deserve that.

It's not an easy answer, and I suspect that anyone who has moved on from a volatile relationship has the same questions.   While we were together, I was often told that it was my fault that he was acting the way he did, calling me the names he called me, and hurting me in emotional and physical ways.   It has been just over eight years since he walked out the door, and I have too many pieces of me that still believe that it's my fault.

Maybe I did nag him too much.  Maybe I pushed his buttons too many times.  Maybe I guilted him into staying with me for too long.  These thoughts prod me, needle me, stick me like tiny burrs under my skin. 

I am now married to a man who is everything I ever wanted, with a little boy I cherish more than anything in the world.  There is no doubt that I'm in the best time of my life.  It's not that I'm questioning where I am, or how I got here.  I love my life and am incredibly happy.  It's easy to see from my posts and from looking at my face that I am grateful for this life.

And yet, I think there may be a small part of me that I hold back to protect myself.  In the back of my mind, I wonder what it will take to ensure my marriage will not fall apart.  I cannot convince myself that it's safe to immerse myself completely.  I hold my head barely above the water, breathing air through a straw rather than drown in a sea of dependance. 

I have come out of this experience more independent and less needful of people than I was before.  An old friend recently told me that I don't show her enough that I need her; I'm sure she's right.  Now I know why, partially: because I don't want to need anyone.  I don't want to give up everything to risk losing myself.   It has taken too long and with too much work to find myself again.

Occasionally, the undertow of past memories threatens to pull me backward to wallow in self-doubt.

And this is where it stops, because life is too short.  

As you are my witness, I will never again look at his Facebook page and try to figure out if he is calling his new fiancee the same awful things he called me, because it should not matter to me.  It does not change anything.  And I'll try a lot harder to remember that it's not my fault. 

I am not a victim; I'm a survivor.  Every day that goes by puts more space between me and the time in my life that I never thought I'd see.  The days that I let someone value me less than I deserved.  I'm 41 years old, and I'm still learning; every day I'm learning.

One of my favorite quotes is this, by Ralph Waldo Emerson:
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

The blunders and absurdities from this period of my life fade a little more every day.   It's past time for the old nonsense of blaming myself to go away.  Each step is a little further from the searing fire of past hurts and closer to true peace and contentment.

This post is not just for me; it's for you, if you ever struggle with the same thoughts and need to know that you're not alone.

You all are helping me get there... with love.

P.S.  For inspiration, read this:  Things you should do to live life without regrets.