You are what you see

Yesterday, I looked at a photo of myself with my family from the past weekend that I wanted to post to Facebook.  I took a second glance and I thought, "Ugh. I can see a little muffin top there.  My hair looks funny. And..." (Go ahead and roll your eyes now.)  I stopped and looked again.  I look happy.  Will looks happy.  We're together as a family, having fun, and all is just fine.  Then I posted it.

I was a skinny kid and I used to hate the way my knobby shoulders looked.  My parents called me "The Hollow Leg" (HL for short) and I could plow through a breakfast buffet like a linebacker.  I never had a problem with my weight, and yet I remember being really happy that I had lost 15 pounds when I had the flu my sophomore year in high school.  I was 5'3" and 95 pounds.  Fast forward to college, where I went from super-activity high school girl to super-jock college woman.  I joined the rowing team and trained with a Notre Dame football conditioning coach who pushed me even harder in the summer, and my quadriceps bulked up so much that I had to buy jeans a few sizes bigger.

Strong women: my Cincy teammates

In the best shape of my life, I was really into my sport and making amazing friends to last a lifetime.  But I looked in the mirror and saw a fat girl.  Predictably, this led to an eating disorder I fought off my sophomore year in college with a great counselor and some strong soul-searching.  Once I finished school and no longer rowed, I continued to work out, and my body shape changed again.  One summer, a high school boyfriend chuckled and said he was glad to see I was back to my normal size.  He had heard I was getting big.  Thud... that was my heart dropping out of my chest.  As you can see, I never forgot that, although it doesn't eat at me now.  As I haven't forgotten the kid who told me on the bus that I have a big nose.  Now, I'm not going to tell you that I have a cute little perky nose, but I let go of the desire for a nose job just to quiet that inner voice.  My nose is my nose and I'm going to be happy with it.

If you know me, you know I bake like crazy and eat sweets on a regular basis.  My gym visits have dropped off drastically since the birth of my son, and I have a few pounds I'd love to lose.  My friend Dana and I have discussed this several times... we'd probably be thrilled to lose those few pounds, but we're not willing to put much time into it or worry much about it right now.  That's where I am right now:  I'm not worrying about it right now.  Yes, my clothes would probably fit a little better and I'd feel a little better.  Since I threw away our scale after our son was born and I lost all of my baby weight (and then some) through my adventures with Postpartum Anxiety, I have moderated my intake depending on whether or not my pants are snug.  I can't afford to buy all new clothes, so when they start feeling a little tight, I lay off the desserts and run around with my son a little more.  YES, I know I'm lucky to have a great metabolism.  I have nothing to complain about.

I cringe when I hear someone being self-critical on a regular basis.  Your self-esteem is an asset you should never take for granted, although many of us do (Charlie Sheen notwithstanding).  I've had plenty of  moments of Body Envy (Miranda Kerr and Adriana Lima and the rest of the Victoria's Secret girls, I'm talking about you) but I'm not trying to be perfect any more.  I love sharing a piece of cake with a friend, and know that another time, we can share a walk instead.  I know I have willpower when I want to - I was religious about watching my sugars and carbs when I had gestational diabetes in my third trimester with my son. 

My husband has lost 80 pounds since we met.  EIGHTY.  POUNDS. I'm a little ashamed to tell you that I nagged him about everything he ate for a while to preserve his health because I was worried about him, until he blew up and told me to knock it off.  Once I shut up, he started making healthier choices on his own, and although I can't understand how he survives on one meal a day, he feels better and is happy where he is.  His handsomeness shines through even more now, without even trying. [Kids, don't try this at home: his diet is called the Start Your Own Business Diet, and stress has replaced late-night fast food while he was in a post-graduate program at UT Dallas.]  I love him at any weight - almost 300 pounds before, and closer to 210 now. 

Early 2005 - dating for 6 months

Our engagement photo

Thanksgiving 2011

 Someday soon, I'm going to try to get back in the gym.  I'd love to set a fitness goal and get back in shape.  In the meantime, I think I look fine.  I can't figure out where to put fitness in my schedule, since T wakes at 6:30, I start working at 7:30, and by the time I'm finished, I just want to play with my son.  I'll get there.  This week, I'm going to enjoy the holidays, ensure I still fit in my pants by exercising moderation, and recognize that there are much bigger problems in life.  I'm healthy.  My husband and my son are healthy.  And life is good.  I feel beautiful, more than ever, and it feels great to look in the mirror and like what I see, for the most part.


You are beautiful RIGHT NOW.  Not just five-ten-twenty-thirty pounds ago.
You don't need a scale to tell you how much you're worth.
Be healthy for your family and for yourself, and you don't have to be skinny to be healthy.
Be happy.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to you.  Enjoy yourself!