The magic formula (....doesn't exist)

Recently, I discovered blogger ScaryMommy's confessional page.  It's an anonymous, anything-goes place for people to post whatever is on their minds, and the content runs the gamut from hilarious to extremely sad.  Some of them are entertaining, like "I am dying for a brownie" or "I went to Home Depot for a big Saturday night out alone. It was heaven."  Some try to balance out the negative with a positive thought.  The ones that really get to me are the confessions that they wish they hadn't had a child.  Or that they are miserable with their husband.  Or one I saw from a mom who considers placing her son with her mother-in-law until she and her husband can get their act together.

I am not a perfect mother, and I don't think a perfect mother exists.  What counts as perfect, anyway?  I'm fortunate, though... I have a husband who adores me and a son I planned for and love and cherish with all of my heart.  That's not to say that at some point I'll get frustrated with him, or get bored playing with trucks, or will want to handcuff him to a chair when he's a teenager.  I waited until I was 38 years old when I had my son, and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything along the way.  It makes a big difference:  I can imagine someone who is 20 and suddenly discovers she's pregnant and has barely become an adult.  I get why some people find themselves wishing they could go back in time even though that's not my experience.

By the time I had T, I had plenty of great times on my own.  I have traveled to countries all over Europe.  I've been to concerts for most of my favorite bands. I've been to 5-star restaurants and stayed at fancy hotels.  I've stayed out all night and had fun with my girlfriends at bachelorette weekends.  I have had the chance to be young and crazy, and now I'm ready to focus on being the best mom I can be with the life experience I have.  That doesn't make me a better mom than anyone who didn't take the same path.  It does give me peace with the path I'm on and I don't wonder what would have happened if I hadn't had a child.

Here in Austin, it's fascinating to meet moms of all difference belief systems: moms who don't vaccinate at all, and those who follow the CDC schedule to a T.  Those who had home births and those who had C-sections.  Some who breastfeed until their children are 2 and 3 and those who went with formula.  Some who eat vegan and organic and some who eat McDonald's.  Some who employed cry-it-out and some who co-sleep.  Most often, it's a mix of all of these things.  I may not agree with someone's methods, but that doesn't mean I'm right and they're wrong.  All of them are great moms and wonderful people, and their kids are going to turn out just fine.  That's probably one of the most important things I've learned so far:  there is no magic formula.

This could not have been more evident as I read baby "sleep training" book after book.  One day, I chucked them all in the trash or mailed them off to other friends who wanted them, and just went with my gut.  My child has not been the best sleeper, but at about 20 months he started consistently sleeping through the night.  Finally.  *Fist bump*  It was a long road, but the one we took was the right one for us.  I had plenty of pressure from people telling me to do it one way or another and why.  Just as I get plenty of comments now that I "must" have a sibling for T.  "You simply can't let him be an only child!"  I think my only-child friends would be offended, and if T turns out as fantastic as Christine, or Peggi, or Amber, or Dana, I'll be thrilled. 

New parents, that is my message to you: listen, process, and then decide how you want to proceed.  Every child is different, every parent is different, and no one prescription is going to work for all families.  It's OK if you eat bacon and eschew organic chicken.  It's OK if you can't breastfeed or try it and decide it's not for you.  It is hard work and it's only going to be good for your family it you WANT to do it.  It's OK if your child watches the Mickey Mouse Club every day on Disney.  It's not going to turn him into a vegetable.  The overall community of moms will be better if we can support each other.  You can see when someone is a great parent, even if their methods are not yours.